trains of thought

this is not going to be a funny post

 are there any of you still reading?

 that was like saying
 now dont get angry

 you know
 you are tensing

 this was a long week 
 a short - work-wise - week
 the holidays are over
 the distraction of having friends in town is past

 life is knocking
 on the door 
my friend Kate's brother-in-law passed just this Friday
 my dear friend Larry's husband Kevin passed a few months ago,
his loss is still being processed by those of us who loved him,
as did
 my sweet Rosie
 the hole in my heart remains unfilled

 worst of all
for me
because its always about me
the worsening pain
bone cancer
 my friend Wendy

 just a few months ago
 we were standing on Broadway 
 having had lunch 
 as we always did
 to trade cat stories
 we'd both lost a 'baby' recently

 her husband had been out of town
 he was coming home
she needed to get moving
 we hugged
 i think

 that was the last time i saw her

 shortly after that 
she was diagnosed
 lung cancer
  had moved
 as it can
her bones

 she had no idea
she had lung cancer

 as her illness progressed
 we learned
 it was a particularly vicious
 fast moving cancer 

she had been home from hospital 
waiting for the holidays to be over 
so she could start outpatient chemo

 i just got an email from her husband
 she was re-admitted to Sloane Kettering Friday 
he would keep us posted

  i cannot
 wrap my mind
someone so vibrant 
so alive
 could be struck down this way 

she doesnt want to see anyone
 its been a few weeks
 wrote an email update 

her pain is too intense 
to sit and type
 her husband is trying to cope
to keep
her friends
 who want to help
 but can't
 as up to date
 on her condition as he can

  my friend Wendy
 who turned 65 at the end of 2012
 unable to throw herself the party
 she had been planning for over a year 
you know its always about me
 i am pissed
 i have no one to go with to the GreenFlea
  no one to be bugged at
 for keeping me waiting
 while she strolled down the avenue
 to being late 
all the time

part of me 
knows she cant beat this
is pissed she didnt fight harder
part wants to believe in miracles 

i decided to write
to board the oft derailed
train of thought 
maybe it would help me process 
we'll see

that 100 sign?
means nothing

comments are turned off
i told you
this is all about me