mother's day confessions

mother's day
a special day
 shouldn't we show love to our mothers every day

 it feels 
a bit like
 what toonman calls a card company holiday 

my mother passed away in 2001
 only a few months after my dad

 she was very much a woman whose life revolved around her family 
they lived in florida
 after their health began declining 
they stopped coming north twice a year 
we started going south at least once a year
 in fact 
we had purchased tickets to fly down there on march 9 2001
 we ended up flying down on march 2 

she passed on march 6
 in hospice
 my sister and i were holding her hands
 telling her
 it was okay to go 

i was not an easy child
 hard to believe
 i know

 i started walking when i was not even a year old
 i didn't want any one to hold my hand

 i always wanted to be out doing things 
i am sure
 wished i wouldn't

i spent a lot of time lying to her
 she spent a lot of time being nosy
we loved each other

 she had so much patience
 i had none

 she wasn't a martyr
 at times
 her selflessness drove me mad 
of course
 it didn't stop me
asking her
 to sew on
 missing or loose buttons
 turn a hem
 once she asked me
 what i was going to do
 since i hadn't ever learned to sew 
(i can sew i just dont do it well)
 what would i do
 when she was gone 

very cavalierly
 i replied
 without hesitation
 go to a tailor 

after dad died 
we hired two lovely women to take care of her 
val was with her weekdays/nights 
priscilla was her weekend caregiver 
after mom passed
 val told me 
every morning at 10
 when the phone would ring
 mom say
 here comes the lecture

 i didn't know if i should be hurt or laugh
 i thought 
my daily calls
 my way of encouraging her
 to get up
 get out 
try to walk a bit 

she used them
 to tell me
 about all the things that were wrong with her 
why she couldn't do what i asked

 i am one of those people
any point of view
 other than my own

it was hard not to lecture
 i never thought of it as a lecture

 now as i write this
 oh so many years later
 i see it was
 it was done
 out of love
 (and frustration)

i didn't cry that day in hospice when she stopped breathing
 i didn't cry at her funeral

 months later
 in a moment
i felt this incredible sadness wash over me
 i cried

 i miss her more than i thought i would

 my independence
 is due to her not in spite of her 

what a surprise

i looked high and low for a photo of us together
she didn't like having photos taken
i liked being behind the camera
i knew there was one of us all together
it took me hours to find this
a not so great photo
 that i scanned eons ago
but there we are
mom me and my sister